The Ignorant Dance
Sircuit and NoFace came out of McDoughnals catching a quick lunch while on patrol that afternoon. They unwrapped their burgers standing next to a trash can which had a smell that identified where they were standing. In the poorest part of Polar City they would have been wearing the garbage already. In the richest parts, the garbage would be emanating the smell of a field of flowers. Another luxury brought to the rich by the graces of Murphy's technology. The relevance was staggering.
NoFace, who had let herself eat red meat for the first time in a few months, wanted only to savor the moment. But it was interrupted by the sound of voices where there should have been the roaring of busses and growling of the suped up cars common in the neighborhood. And it didn't sound like people talking. Rather, it was the sound of bitching and bleating.
Afraid to look, but as curious as a driver passing a bloody crunchy car accident, she turned and looked across the street. Protestors were gathered waving picketed pictures of cute animals and slogans of vegetarianism. What fun. She faced them completely and took a big bite of her burger, chewing it with exaggerated gusto. A collective gasp rippled through the crowd.
From somewhere within the mass an empty glass bottle of oolong tea was through across the street. It missed NoFace and broke on the restaurant's brick wall just over Sircuit's head.
"Holy ASS!" Sircuit dodged the falling shards of glass. He turned to see where the bottle had come from and almost laughed. "Are you kidding me?"
"Nope," NoFace said, not moving her eyes from the assembly. "People for the Excellent Treatment of Animals. Chew with me. It really pisses them off."
"Fuck yeah!" Sircuit joined her on the edge of the sidewalk and both chewed joyfully at the protestors. "MMMM!" Sircuit yelled after swallowing. "BOSSY IS SURE TENDER AND FLAVORFUL!"
NoFace almost choked on her lunch, then joined in. The faces across the street were nearly all eyes, and she was bound and determined to see one of them blow up. "AW, CRAP! I FORGOT MY HENNY-PENNY CORPSE NUGGETS. I AM SUCH A MEAT-HEAD!"
"I MAY GO BACK FOR SOME CUTIE POKIE-TICKLISH RIBS ON A BUN, THIS IS SOOO GOOD!" Sircuit patted his stomach and pulled his second burger from the bag.
"Cutie pokie-ticklish ribs?" NoFace asked him quietly.
"I thought we were trying to be disgusting," Sircuit shrugged.
"Good point. That was pretty gross. NEXT WE SHOULD GO TO THAT VIETNAMESE PLACE THAT SERVES PUPPY DOG!" NoFace said, beginning again.
"HEY! YOU GUYS ARE IGNORANT!" One of the protestors shouted back.
NoFace, still holding her burger, threw her hands into the air. "THE IGNORANT DANCE!"
"JESUS TOLD ME TO LOVE VEAL!" Sircuit shouted at the same time. "Wait. What? Ignorance dance?"
"Follow my lead," she told him.
After a moment's grinning hesitation, Sircuit and NoFace linked arms and began dos-i-dos-ing on the sidewalk, waving their burgers high and taking big bites so they could continue with the chewing that worked so well earlier. It only lasted so long before they realized how funny it all was and stopped dancing, leaning on each other laughing hysterically.
As the laughter began to subside, a can of wheatgrass juice came sailing from the crowd and hit NoFace in the left gun, spattering the metal of her face with a potent green substance reeking of lawn clippings.
And now? It was personal.
Unfortunately, they had both finished their lunches in their revelries. "Sweet spanking nuns! We're out of meat!" Sircuit said noticing their empty hands and trying not to laugh as green juice dripped off NoFace's chin.
"Oh, no we're not!" NoFace kicked the lid off the trashcan and pulled out a melting half-finished strawberry milkshake. "HEY! I HOPE NONE OF YOU ASPARAGUS-FUCKERS ARE VEGAN!"
"I AM BITCH! AND I'M PROUD OF IT!" One man stepped out of the crowd, kicking off his hemp sandals and removing his Grateful Dead tee shirt.
"GOOD!" NoFace jammed the milkshake into one of her barrels and shot it across the street at the man, hitting him in the forehead and spraying those near him with souring flavored milk. "DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT! YOU GRANOLA-BAR-POLISHERS STARTED THIS BEVERAGE EXCHANGE!"
A prepackaged organic salad was thrown at NoFace and showered both she and Sircuit in lettuce, sprouts, and cucumbers. Sircuit, removing the fork from the brim of his hat, held a hand to NoFace.
"Ammo, please." She grinned and handed him a half-full container of fries with big grease spots on the bottom. "VIVA LA PIG FAT, JERK-CAKES!" With surprising accuracy, the fries and carton landed in the hair of a blond co-ed wearing a cat-shaped back pack.
A grilled portabello sandwich was thrown back.
A McGiant burger was shot back in kind.
And thus began the Polar City Uptown Trash War of 2008.
Sircuit and NoFace came out of McDoughnals catching a quick lunch while on patrol that afternoon. They unwrapped their burgers standing next to a trash can which had a smell that identified where they were standing. In the poorest part of Polar City they would have been wearing the garbage already. In the richest parts, the garbage would be emanating the smell of a field of flowers. Another luxury brought to the rich by the graces of Murphy's technology. The relevance was staggering.
NoFace, who had let herself eat red meat for the first time in a few months, wanted only to savor the moment. But it was interrupted by the sound of voices where there should have been the roaring of busses and growling of the suped up cars common in the neighborhood. And it didn't sound like people talking. Rather, it was the sound of bitching and bleating.
Afraid to look, but as curious as a driver passing a bloody crunchy car accident, she turned and looked across the street. Protestors were gathered waving picketed pictures of cute animals and slogans of vegetarianism. What fun. She faced them completely and took a big bite of her burger, chewing it with exaggerated gusto. A collective gasp rippled through the crowd.
From somewhere within the mass an empty glass bottle of oolong tea was through across the street. It missed NoFace and broke on the restaurant's brick wall just over Sircuit's head.
"Holy ASS!" Sircuit dodged the falling shards of glass. He turned to see where the bottle had come from and almost laughed. "Are you kidding me?"
"Nope," NoFace said, not moving her eyes from the assembly. "People for the Excellent Treatment of Animals. Chew with me. It really pisses them off."
"Fuck yeah!" Sircuit joined her on the edge of the sidewalk and both chewed joyfully at the protestors. "MMMM!" Sircuit yelled after swallowing. "BOSSY IS SURE TENDER AND FLAVORFUL!"
NoFace almost choked on her lunch, then joined in. The faces across the street were nearly all eyes, and she was bound and determined to see one of them blow up. "AW, CRAP! I FORGOT MY HENNY-PENNY CORPSE NUGGETS. I AM SUCH A MEAT-HEAD!"
"I MAY GO BACK FOR SOME CUTIE POKIE-TICKLISH RIBS ON A BUN, THIS IS SOOO GOOD!" Sircuit patted his stomach and pulled his second burger from the bag.
"Cutie pokie-ticklish ribs?" NoFace asked him quietly.
"I thought we were trying to be disgusting," Sircuit shrugged.
"Good point. That was pretty gross. NEXT WE SHOULD GO TO THAT VIETNAMESE PLACE THAT SERVES PUPPY DOG!" NoFace said, beginning again.
"HEY! YOU GUYS ARE IGNORANT!" One of the protestors shouted back.
NoFace, still holding her burger, threw her hands into the air. "THE IGNORANT DANCE!"
"JESUS TOLD ME TO LOVE VEAL!" Sircuit shouted at the same time. "Wait. What? Ignorance dance?"
"Follow my lead," she told him.
After a moment's grinning hesitation, Sircuit and NoFace linked arms and began dos-i-dos-ing on the sidewalk, waving their burgers high and taking big bites so they could continue with the chewing that worked so well earlier. It only lasted so long before they realized how funny it all was and stopped dancing, leaning on each other laughing hysterically.
As the laughter began to subside, a can of wheatgrass juice came sailing from the crowd and hit NoFace in the left gun, spattering the metal of her face with a potent green substance reeking of lawn clippings.
And now? It was personal.
Unfortunately, they had both finished their lunches in their revelries. "Sweet spanking nuns! We're out of meat!" Sircuit said noticing their empty hands and trying not to laugh as green juice dripped off NoFace's chin.
"Oh, no we're not!" NoFace kicked the lid off the trashcan and pulled out a melting half-finished strawberry milkshake. "HEY! I HOPE NONE OF YOU ASPARAGUS-FUCKERS ARE VEGAN!"
"I AM BITCH! AND I'M PROUD OF IT!" One man stepped out of the crowd, kicking off his hemp sandals and removing his Grateful Dead tee shirt.
"GOOD!" NoFace jammed the milkshake into one of her barrels and shot it across the street at the man, hitting him in the forehead and spraying those near him with souring flavored milk. "DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT! YOU GRANOLA-BAR-POLISHERS STARTED THIS BEVERAGE EXCHANGE!"
A prepackaged organic salad was thrown at NoFace and showered both she and Sircuit in lettuce, sprouts, and cucumbers. Sircuit, removing the fork from the brim of his hat, held a hand to NoFace.
"Ammo, please." She grinned and handed him a half-full container of fries with big grease spots on the bottom. "VIVA LA PIG FAT, JERK-CAKES!" With surprising accuracy, the fries and carton landed in the hair of a blond co-ed wearing a cat-shaped back pack.
A grilled portabello sandwich was thrown back.
A McGiant burger was shot back in kind.
And thus began the Polar City Uptown Trash War of 2008.
