Nothing like the betrayal of someone you care for to make you take a good look at life. No, not you, Phoenix. This one is for you. Not because of you. You see what's important, and what's complete bullshit. And boy have I wandered into a pile of it.
Lately, I've been told a few things. Some are true and have made me feel really good. Some are ...well that word I used before.
I'd like to start with my favorite: "Well, it's kind of tradition."
Really. That's right you heard it here first. Someone tried to inform ME of tradition. Perhaps it was completely forgotten that I have devoted a lot of time to the study of tradition. And not just the tradition handed down by Hallmark and what I like to call "modern expectation". There's a difference. You know, what St. Patrick REALLY did. The meanings behind the symbols in modern Christian ceremonies. Stuff like that. It's made me a bit cynical. Hand me a white flower, and I expect you to know it means purity or death. Neither of which apply to me right now. So the point of this one is: if you're going to try to reason with me or convince me to do something, it's important to remember that I'm no idiot. I may not have a complete education, but that doesn't mean I'm stupid. Misquoting a "tradition" isn't a way to get me to listen.
Another way to get dismissed? "The Bible says."
No better way to throw an intelligent conversation out the window than to prove one's own willing ignorance. As Travis put it to me "Let (her) dance in the garden of voluntary ignorance if she wishes, but she will not find me there." I always feel like countering that argument with, "Well Green Eggs and Ham says 'I would not could not in a box'." Oddly enough, one is a bit more profound than the other if you really want to think about it. Trying to argue a point with me by saying "The Bible says", is a guaranteed way to lose my respect. Permanently.
And it has also come to my attention that I have thrown out so many good people in favor of folks who would rather I follow their status quo than do what I need to do to be happy. So I can't show up at every function with a smile plastered on my face. At least I show up at all. That's more than I can say for some people I know.
Sometimes I wonder, with all the caution people tell me to have (along with their knowledge that I am among the most paranoid people they know), if I am not *expected* to be keep myself in a closet somewhere and find no joy. Hoping is a difficult thing for me to do anymore. And to be advised against the little hope I DO have? That's just mean. Cut it out!
There are some things in this life that give me the joy of a child holding a kitten for the first time. Even now. So they aren't what other people consider worthy. That doesn't make them wrong. I'm not hurting anyone. Just let it go and let me smile for once. In five years is it going to matter? Probably not.
I have come to a revelation that has made me smile. I am asked to do a lot of things that will hurt me, and I do them because they will make other people happy while tearing me into little bitty pieces. Travis said it again: "As someone who loves (someone), it is my goal to keep (them) from crying. If I was to take (their) hand and make (them) do something I know will bring them pain in the end, then it's not love I feel for (them). It's apathy. What's worse is deliberately hurting and manipulating (that person) to get (them) to do the thing that will hurt (them). I would be sub-human to do these things. Darling? There are a LOT of sub-human people. Are you a magnet or something?" Probably. I have decided that from now on? Application of that sub-human behavior will guarantee my lack of participation. If I say "that hurts me", and you insist I do it anyway? You find yourself in VERY interesting company. (Several of whom are penniless now because of a civil suit, if you take my meaning.) Occasionally, I have to do something of the self-affirming sort. It's about damn time.
But there are some things that have made me happy that do not involve changing anything. Someone wrote to me recently: "I can say with honesty that I have missed having you around." And this is not someone given to mushy sentiment, either. I took it at face value for that reason. And in that moment, I realized that I am not a "monster" to everyone. That someone WANTED to have me around. I don't want to embarrass this person, so I'll leave off with the more profound thoughts that went with that. In short, it was just what I needed to hear. If I knew it wouldn't scare this person to death, I would hug them "thank you".
This person is a first step in connecting with the few people who understood me, even in a small part. There are a few I have been in contact over the past months, but that's not been going very well. Learning things they had never bothered to say before has actually been damaging. But this is where I dare to hope again. Where I hold out my heart, black and shriveled though it may be from years of distrust and other "gumbo ya-ya" (Yeah, I didn't forget that. It's funny AND sad!), and hope that the little *ding* I heard was the sound of door chimes as the door opened, not as it shut.
And thusly, apologies are given where I need to give them. And you all know me well enough to know how my sense of guilt doesn't let me lose track of those. I am sorry for turning my back on you, me and the whole of us.
