Welcome to the kinder gentler more Earth-friendly and you-savvy me. I hate typing because you can't hear the tone I used to say that. I assure you, it was delivered with the flat sarcasm you have all come to either know or hate. Your call.
It seems we've been all 'enlightened' over here. And I'm all for that. New perspective and all that shit. Can't find fault with that. I just hope we don't take it too far.
Example: I know I did and said some really f---in atrocious things. I admit that. I will even admit I was wrong. (Mark this day on your calendar folks. I actually freakin' said it.) But I can't sit there and say that we were never provoked and no one else ever did anything wrong. That I was Satan in the room with a bunch of angels. No one ever lied to me, right? Of course not! And naturally, I never found out about it. My reactions were awful. Again, you have my admission of that. But it's not like people were sitting around eating toast and I blew up for no reason.
I'm no angel. I've never claimed that and I never will. I overreacted and said and did things I will regret for the rest of my life. Sometimes I did blow up over what I should have taken a moment to think about. Guilty as charged. The shame I feel over some of that, now that I have had space and time to reflect upon it, is overwhelming at times.
And so I am learning to live life without the drop-of-a-hat anger that I have used to protect myself (even when it was inappropriate and unnecessary). It's hard work. This anger is how I was raised to deal with people, and it was a defense mechanism that I leaned upon for a very long time. Quitting smoking was SO much easier. I can never promise people a 180 in attitude. I don't think the sarcasm and snark has to go entirely. Just the abusive parts. Because I know now? That's exactly what they were.
I don't think any of you will ever know how ashamed of it all and sorry I really am.
-NoFace
