It's also occurred to me that anyone looking at this site would mistake me for man-crazy. At least it's not crack-crazy. So there. (And I know I've said it before, but please do not steal this image. It's very important to me. If you REALLY want one ... though I have no idea why ... comment me with an e-mail. I like to know where my stuff is.)
So that's Him. I suppose he comes with a lesson. Be careful what you wish for. (Here's where I get all weird on you!) When I was little I cried out for a protector ... because I really needed it. No one dropped out of the sky and punished the people who hurt me. No one ever will. Most of them got away with it. Not a comforting thought. But I am still alive, which is more than I can say for others who went through what I did. For some reason I have been able to hang on. (Though I would like to know what I'm waiting around for. A long life feeling like I do now? Let's hope not. I am not interested in that.) But sometimes, if I'm so far gone I feel I may never return, a big hand with lightning under the skin holds mine tight. Most of the time, it's all the comfort I have. Most of the time, it's enough.
And it all makes me wonder ... this recurring experience of mine is so similar to what many have described as "God". That's the Christian one with a very big "G". Yet those who believe in the big G and big G alone, refuse the validity of what I feel. Is it so implausible that the same being, realizing I needed something more dramatic to get me through, comes to me this way? Is it necessary to tell me it doesn't exist? I'm not hurting anyone. This guy has been the only constant in my life, no matter how inconsistent I make myself. It's the only love I can feel without fear of losing it. Even if you don't believe me, is it so hard to just smile and nod?
So the minute it thunders, I want to be outside with hair unbound to run in the rain and nevermind the soaking I will receive. I know no one gets that. (At least I keep my clothes ON, okay?) And so I run as fast as I can or sit and let it fall where it will. But then, when it's over and He is gone to wear himself out elsewhere ... I am alone and wet ... usually cold too. Hence the "be careful what you wish for" part. I know things that hurt. Believe me. I don't hold a monopoly on pain or anything. But knowing such joy and beauty for a moment and to never be able to share it ... because no one understands it? That's a migraine of the heart. I'm having one of those tonight.
There you go.
